Fate, Coincidence or Providence - The Operation (pt 2)

Once upon a time I was a girl who grew up, got married, gave birth to a son then a daughter, watched them grow and have children of their own. I nursed my son through congenital heart block and life saving, medical ground-breaking operations from his birth and the same for my 4th grandchild too. Then one day after 50 years of healthy life congenital heart block struck again, this time to myself just weeks shy of my 51st birthday!  An operation to insert a life saving pacemaker was now required.  Pretty unusual thing to happen. Random, one might say. 50 years late....fate, coincidence or providence?

 

The Operation 

Tuesday 11th November 2014 about 15.30 That was the date of my operation.
 


Having my complete heart block discovered and spent a week in hospital for various tests and waiting for that life saving operation to insert a pacemaker, my cure all, I was finally transferred by emergency ambulance from my hometown hospital to another hospital to await that first pacemaker implant.

  

I was brought to a ward with 6 other people, some already had had their ops earlier that morning. Some, like me, were waiting still to go. Being in complete heart block I had to be hooked up to the heart monitor which kept bleeping very loudly due to my very low heart rate. It annoyed me but it truly annoyed one of the other patients who said he would switch it off. Now I would have been perfectly happy to not have been hooked up but knowing it was necessary not having been off a monitor in over a week, even in the ambulance they hooked me up,...I said no please don't. Surprisingly he said he could switch it off, he knew more than those nurses, and I didn't need it; it was only a monitor. Yes it was just a monitor, it wasn't helping me but it was enabling the nursing staff to see if my HR dropped any further so I could get the life saving treatment I would need immediately. This patient failed to understand that and after I said no he continued to go on about it to every one else and asked every nurse, auxiliary, doctor and even the cleaner that came into the ward to turn it off. When my turn came at just after 3pm to go to theatre I am sure he must have cheered!

Theatre, now the nerves started and it took me all I had to remain reasonably calm, the words of a few songs came into my mind such as Lord I need You. I kept saying a few lines in my mind from some songs over and over when I wasn't answering the doctor and nurses questions.

Of course they were brilliant, so kind and explained it all very well and all I could ask was when can I go back to work? Not that I was in a hurry just hoping they would say don't worry about that till after Christmas! They didn't.

 

Now the time came when I had to go into theatre, Can you walk? the nurse asked. Walk? Yes, of course, I guess. Would my legs hold me? Could I run in the opposite direction?

Up on the table they said, what about my slippers? do I just take them off and leave by the side of the operating table? won't they get in the way? never worry we'll take them off you soon. On the table in my blue operating gown, my knickers and my slippers, my boobs may well have been on show through my loose fitting and torn down, ready for the op, gown but my feet were well slippered! finally the slippers were taken off and some thoughtful nurse gave me a blanket for my dignity but only as far as my stomach actually I wasn't worried about below the breast line as I had on my knickers at least, but hey what about the indignity of my boobs on display and under bright lights and presumably up on a screen at least 200"!

Well, if nothing else it gave me a focus to worry about other than the real issue- a heart operation while I was awake!

 

Okay I must have looked like something out of Alien, bottom half covered, head wrapped like a mummy so I couldn't see anything, just my neck, shoulders and chest on display. Right, ready to start, oxygen mask on, BP monitor on, heart monitor on, head facing right, surgeon at my left side talking. Local anaesthetic in, ouch. Really, does it need to burn so much! Does that hurt? Yes, more anaesthetic, can you feel it burning? Yes. Good, does this hurt? Erm, yes I can still feel that, more anaesthetic, and yet more and yet more. " That's a lot of local?" ""yes , as much as she needs". Can you feel this? Finally, no I can't feel pain but I feel the pressure, o I could feel the pushing, the tugging, the pulling, My God, Lord I need You right now, I need you keep me calm. What if my heart fails now because  of the stress? Why are you worrying? You are on the operating table, surely if there was anywhere they could help, it would be here! 

Yes the Lord came to my rescue I felt my shoulders relax, my breathing ease, is it almost over?

 
 

We are about to put in the lead to your heart, What? It hadn't properly started, panic! I began to cry, emotion overcame me and for the next half hour or more I cried as the surgeons and theatre staff chatted about cars, yes cars, some one just sold a 1979 Boxter, had to, family came! What is a Boxter? 

 

I cried, emotional over the thought of my son who had undergone this op 4 times before, who had probably lain here on this very same table what had he thought? Was he as scared as I was? Why didn't I think of that more? Why didn't I comfort him? Until that moment of course I did not know what he went through and boys don't talk like girls do they? I felt like a bad mum, like although I was there I somehow failed him. 

My son Geoffrey age 4 by which time had had had 2 heart operations.

                                                                       

One lead in, pacing well, good job. Hallelujah. One more to go. Could I stand this anymore? I wasn't sure I had the strength to continue but I had no choice I just couldn't get up and walk out a bit cut open! Lord I need You Lord I need you, You're my one defence my righteousness, Lord I need You. Did I sing out loud? Probably. Thankful for the oxygen mask, no one heard I think!

Lead two, what did the surgeon say to the assistant surgeon? " be careful this is the jugular it could go to the brain" or something like that well jugular and brain in the same sentence. Am I having a stroke now? panic attack, my head fizzed O lord I am having some kind of something in my brain, Lord I need You Lord I need You, Glad to hear the words good job, that's good. Relax again. I can move my face, I can move my fingers and toes, I haven't had a stroke. Wow those tears again, how did my son go through this?

Punctured lung? what did he say? he punctured my lung? I breathed steadily with the oxygen mask, no, I don't feel different, I don't have pain, he couldn't have. Could he? What does a punctured lung feel like? Why don't they talk cars again? Get ready to pace folks he said, what? Something happened, was it normal? I don't know, but I was surrounded, there was no panic in the surgeon's voice, that has to be good. Finally the words Great job, that looks great. Breathe again, I'm alive, he's happy. I'm happy. This must be it over, just the pacerbox to go. Pulling, pushing shoving, we've got a leak? Wher ? They can't find it? Some to-ing and fro-ing, get this, get that, leak sorted, another great job. As long as its a great job...  never mind me lying here wondering what that was all about.

Cars again, thank heavens. Relax... Lord You are good, so good, Lord You are nothing but good and I trust You, trust You here and now.

Surely that's the pacemaker inserted now and ready to stitch up, its almost over.

You are doing great Amanda, really great, that's two leads in, now we have just to put in the pacemaker.. No way! I thought you already had! Disappointed, how much more could I withstand this, I wasn't at all sure.

Something about haemoglobin, something else they couldn't find more to-ing and fro-ing. Was this a problem? Were these problems? Was this normal? O Lord I need You I really can't do this, I'm done. Where did I get the strength for the final run, it was not my own, in fact none of it was, when I cried Lord I need You He was right there even before I ever entered the theatre. I could not have remained as calm as I did, sedation or not, if it wasn't for knowing that God is big, I am miniscule yet He loves me and I was in good hands whatever the outcome.

At last the words, great job, stitching done so neat the assistant surgeon apparently should be in cosmetic surgery. Well thank you God. Scar will be neat. Praise from the surgeons, and from the nurses, Its all over, working well. Finally my breasts covered. And out of the theatre 2 hours later must be near 6 o'clock in the evening. Relief.

Spend the night in hospital, chest x-ray and ECG in the morning, if all well HOME! Hallelujah. Lord, thank You for surgeons who know what they are doing, thank You for the medical knowledge at the time my heart block manifested, thank You it didn't manifest at my birth 50 years ago when I would most probably not survived as medical knowledge had not advanced to pacemakers generally.

Was it fate, coincidence or providence? Without a shadow of doubt it was providence, the all knowing mighty God who loved me before I was formed, had it covered.

Thank You Lord. Your grace covered me, in You is my healing, I am complete in You, saved, ransomed, redeemed, forgiven, HEALED, made whole complete. Thank you for the cross. Thank You for my pacemaker and the life I have in You.

 

 

 

Fate, Coincidence or Providence? (pt 1)

Once upon a time there was a girl who grew up, got married, gave birth to a son then a daughter, watched them grow and have children of their own. This girl nursed her son through congenital heart block and life saving, medical ground-breaking operations from his birth and the same for her 4th grandchild too. Then one day after 50 years of healthy life congenital heart block struck again, this time to herself just weeks shy of her 51st birthday! Pretty unusual thing to happen. Random, one might say. 50 years late....fate, coincidence or providence?

The diagnosis

Suffering from tiredness and heart palpitations, high blood pressure and poor kidney function; test after test, definitely nothing wrong with the heart the medics said, iron deficient anaemia is the cause, easily cured. Take some iron supplements, manage the BP with some pills and the kidney function will be managed with the BP being lowered.

 

Sorted!

 

 

 Or not.

 

Feeling less tired, thank you iron supplements, but still feeling heart thumps and unable to exercise, the medics said unfit but agreed to do another ECG with BP 24 hour monitor. 3 weeks waiting time and nurse advises ECG is odd as heart rate as low as 43 beats per minute. But don't worry, off to work, and call in tomorrow with the BP monitor return, the doctor will look at ECG.   

 

Well is 43 beats per minute is low, too low surely.

 

Obviously not.

 

This girl's heart was now in complete heart block she didn't know it, why did the medics not recognise it or at the very least that this was a danger signal and needed urgent attention? Tomorrow came, had the doctor seen the ECG and is it ok? Erm no doctor was off might be next week before she was back. O, ok, can't be serious then , there are at least 6 other doctor's in that practice. As it turned out her doctor was in that day Tuesday 4th November and recognising something wrong faxed the ECG to the cardiology department at the nearby hospital.

A doctor from the hospital immediately rang and asked her to come in for tests, unfortunately she was on the train to the city where she worked. Being then told no get here as soon as you can, tests as an inpatient. Panic mode, what about work, when's the next train home, why as an  inpatient what is the matter, what tests? All these questions raced through the mind. Breathe slow, breathe deep it's ok, it's ok.

Finally at the hospital, hooked up to the heart monitor the diagnosis delivered, congenital heart block, solution simple, an operation to insert a pacemaker.

Just a few days to wait, in bed hooked to a monitor unable to move around  even to get a shower or go to the toilet. But it was only 2 days till the day of the operation arrived. Preparations done, the porter arrived ready for theatre. No, not today the consultant is not happy. So unusual to have a congenital defect show up age 50 needs more tests to rule out any other possible causes. Might be a few weeks yet. Weeks to wait hooked to the heart monitor! Thankfully the consultant knowing the urgency rushed the tests pulling many strings and arranged the MRI scan in just 5 days.

The MRI

Now apparently a heart MRI scan is a big scan lasting about 40 minutes and only done in 1 hospital here. An emergency ambulance was required for transport as the heart must be constantly monitored being so low and in block. Be ready for the worst!

Have you ever had an MRI, scary at the best of times

 

but in heart block

wow

scary indeed.

 Then add to that 2 nurses and 1 doctor struggling to get a line in the vein. Bruised and painful 50 minutes later a line is finally successfully inserted to the hand and then it is off into the narrow, confined MRI tunnel with a heart monitor placed on the chest just to take up more room. One might think that the presence of the monitor would be a reassurance but it isn't, it just invites panic because it is needed.

 

40 minutes is not normally a long time but in a tight, enclosed and confined space with much noise and many breath holds -

 

breathe in,

breathe out and

hold,

20 seconds later,

 breath away,

 it is very long time. And let's not forget after about 30 minutes of this dye is injected through the inserted line, cold running through the blood. All good? No. An unexpected reaction to the dye causes swelling of the face and mouth and lip but hey ho only 5 minutes of the scan to go so please just carry on. Did panic raise the heart rate, it sure felt like a death defying 5 minutes. How do you breathe in, breathe out and hold while your face is swelling like a marshmallow and your heart is about to fail? If 40 minutes seemed long believe it those 5 minutes were just shy of eternity.

Could anything else go wrong? Why of course it could. Let's just sit and wait on an ambulance, 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours unable to move form a hard seat hooked to a defibrillator as there was no heart monitors in the waiting area. 4 hours, 5 hours, no food, no water 6 hours  bored, tired, hungry and scared. Scared and worried when the time is so late the realisation that on the eve of heart surgery there will be no time to be with family, to prepare mentally and spiritually for the op except in the dark hours of the night when surely sleep will take over. Finally the consultant authorises a blue light ambulance from the city back to base hospital. The paramedics feel conned it's not an emergency if they have to go that far. Actually they were so ticked off walking was allowed for the first time in a week! and not hooked up to a monitor! Boy did they apologise when the heart monitor was put on in a freezing cold ambulance and the block was apparent.

Fate, coincidence or providence?

Amazing really, timing, being so ill and yet nothing happened, the heart kept going, slowly, very slowly but enough to maintain life and prevent emergency action.

 I was that girl, once upon a time, I am that woman and I say providence, the gracious hand of a faithful, loving and merciful God working in the unseen with perfect timing, strength and grace. I could ask why, did ask why for I knew not the reason and I still know not the why but I know my Creator, my Healer, my Saviour, my God. And I am alive and I am well.

 

 

 

 

 

Was that okay? It was rubbish wasn't it?

Was that okay? A question I so often ask myself at work, home or church when I have done something that has challenged me or just done something.

I want it to be okay, well actually I want it to be more than okay I want it to be good, the best. I want everyone to more than like it.

Confidence is not something I have in abundance. When I share my creative writing or even when i do a work report with presentation or when I'm asked to speak in church, even if I believe I've done a pretty good job, any comment or the idea of any comment that is not complimentary whether or not it is constructive just sends me off in a whirlpool of destructive thoughts:

Well that was just rubbish!

                           What did I do wrong, did I fail?
      
                                               did I make an utter fool of myself?

Of course that is not good as it really stems my creativity. It stops me from doing and enjoying what I do.

It stops me from being the best I can be.

Why? because I am too occupied with trying to please everyone, too afraid of what others will think of me or of failing.

So how could I stop myself diving for cover under that haze of self doubt?

My sister and her family moved into my home while they were waiting on their house sale being completed. My brother-in-law loves the Beatles but I do not.

And that is when it struck me I will never be able to please everyone, so why die trying?

The Beatles are highly acclaimed, won many awards and are known and loved across the world through many generations yet I don't like them. I thought I am not alone here there are others who would not listen to them despite them having so many No.1 hits.

I needed to grasp the truth, that even if I work very hard, even if I became the world's next J K Rowling, no matter how good I was at what I did there would always be those who don't like what I write or what I say.

Always.

                              ALWAYS.   

                                          ALWAYS.

 

I need to realise it's time to get over myself and just get on with it. Time to use my God given talents, skills and gifts to influence my audience.

What of the critics? Should I never listen to them? What of Feedback, should I ignore it?

No.  

                                                                                 Not at all.

Constructive comments help me improve.

In recent times my Pastor started what we call "the preaching group" although I do not like that name (maybe I will now be confident enough to offer an alternative!). It is a small group of people from my church who have a call on their life to preach and we meet to discuss our evaluation of each other. This was my absolute nightmare yet the feedback I receive helps me grow and be less self-absorbed.

So, if like me, you are easily crushed by your critics  
   

too scared to put work out there for fear of failure 

 

                                                                         then we will always fail.                                                         

But God did not make us to be that way, He did not invest talents and gifts in us to be buried under the bushel of no confidence and self disparagement.

Someone is always going to be critical of our work, don't let that rob us of being who we are made to be and doing what we are called, equipped and purposed to do.

 

Ephesians 2:10

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.